- Try to steer the ego conflict back to simple conflict. In other words, stay focused on issues rather than personalities.
- Make the issue a problem to be solved, not a battle to be won.
- Write down what you want to say.
- When things get personal, make not to reciprocate.
Friday, February 19, 2010
When Conflict Becomes Personal
There is no doubt that you will experience conflict in your relationships. And you may have already faced conflict. But when it becomes personal, what do you do?
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27 comments:
I can remember one conflict in particular with my husband about disciplining our daughter. Rather than focus on the issue at hand it led to a more personal issue of how we were raised differently and whose parents did a better job. This could have totally been avoided if we would have tried to quit outdoing one another with the typical "my dad can hit harder than yours" syndrome and tried to solve the real issue. We could have written down, cooled off, and talked later about what positive attributes each of us can bring to the table to make better decisions with our daughter. Instead, nothing positive came from this conflict.-Jeralyn Duncan
I remember when my husband and I got into it about family values and the way that we should raise our childern are totally different and he seems to think that it is ok to be a single parent and I think that it is better to have both because his father wasnt in his life and in his stepbrothers but they turned out to be the same in life so he feels that it is ok to be a single parent and I think that it is best to have both parents involved
Shannon kwiatkowski
I know exactly how it feels when a conflict becomes personal, I've had to deal with it many times. I remember when it was Thanksgiving and me and my girlfriend had to go to both of our parents houses and hers was out of town. Well, my Thanksgiving was taking a little longer than expected and she had to be at hers before it got too late. I told her to go ahead and go to hers and I would just stay at mine. I was trying to please everyone, by not being rude to my parents by leaving and I didnt want her to miss hers. But then it became a huge issue. She thought that my parents were mad at her for leaving, she thought her parents would think it was rude for me not to go to hers, but I felt I was a rock in a hard place. Then it really became personal, we argued about whose parents did more for who and how her parents sent me birthday cards and mine didnt send her any. It was a small issue that really turned personal, real fast. I felt like she was attacking my family and she felt the same about me. I think these stragies are really good and me and her both need to start using them. I know I have the problem with trying to "win the battle", I also have a problem with saying sorry and admitting I am wrong. I like the strategy to write down what I want to say because sometime I forget or I say the wrong thing and she takes it the wrong way. I am definetly going to use these stragies in the future to insure that conflicts do not turn personal on me as much. Also, its funny once you think about how much common sense these stragies are, I never thought about how much it could help your relationship.
~Nathan Ghaznawi
dytd
It is inevitable that families will have their disagreements, but they could be avoided. For example, last Easter my husband and I arrived at my aunt’s house for a family get together, and I noticed that my brother and sister-in-law were not there. I found out after calling them and seeing if they were going to come and visit that they were purposely not invited because of their attitudes. Continuing to try to stay out of everyone else’s differences, I walked down to their house to talk to them about the baby shower I was going to throw for them. When I got over there, I was bombarded by them going off on me about how horrible of people the members of our family were. I was getting a little irritated by this but did not say anything. I got really upset when they both began to go off about me, my husband, and my best friend. I began to cry and say everything that was on my mind about them. The whole event could have been better handled if I had not put myself in the situation, but my mistake was trying to stay neutral on both sides. The end result of my experience with my brother is that I have not talked to them in almost a year.
michelle arboe
When conflict arises, I'd prefer being an outsider looking in. There's less pressure that way and it is easier for me to think level-headed and resolve conflicts.
However, when conflict becomes personal I find it much harder to deal with. When in a conflicting situation I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me and I don't always think before I speak. I tend to say exactly what's on my mind and it sometimes makes things worse.
I think that if I took the time to process my thoughts I wouldn't blow up. It would be good to focus on finding a common ground with the other person and agreeing to disagree. I need to focus more on solving problems at hand rather than winning an argument.
Lucinda Williams
Me and my ex would get in heated arguments about his son, i know touchy subject. I was the one who took care of him most because i worked nights so i took care of Jackson during the day. Jackson was def ADHD he was out of control bad at school bad at home and not being the mother that my ex wanted me to be i didnt know how to handle him. What was appropriate for me as the gf. We would fight in the beginning of our relationship but in the end id walk away and we'd calm down and he let me know that he trusted me and whatever i thought needed to be done could be done. I would always approach the situation sometimes at inappropriate time. Like when i was still angry or right when hed walk in the door or when i was crying because i was so frustrated i would just loose it but again in the end he let me know that i was doing very well with him and he trusted my decisions.~Meagen
this happened recently at work. for a few weeks i was noticing this new guy getting all of the good hours and it seemed like everyone was putting him on this pedestal above everyone else. i have been there longer than the others in the same position i have at work, but for some reason i was being skipped over and they began giving the new people not only the hours they wanted but also a higher pay than i was getting. it finally got to the point where i walked into the back office and began asking the manager that i am the most comfortable with why this particular manager, that gave these raises out, doesnt like me. i quickly corrected myself after realizing that i cant bring personal feelings into the work place. to be respectful i talked to him on a more work based approach to solving this problem. the manager that i was having problems with later spoke with me and we solved some of our issues, but this is still going on to this day. sometimes even in the work place, even if you dont want to admit it, the personal feelings towards a person does have at least a little to do with giving people more opportunities than others.
-laura prout
when my kids were younger and would get in trouble at school my husband and i would have a big conflict about it i knew the teacher was not lieing about my child but their dad thought they did no wrong. I would agree with the teacher, he would say no my child didn't do that. you have to know your child and they will lie to keep from put on punishment. there dad finally came around when my little sister said when she would get in trouble mom would belive her instead of the teacher she said and i know i was liying so my husband felt like a fool.
I think staying neutral is actually a good strategy. Then again, with my personality I can easily detach myself from a situation and the personal feelings. I like to use reason and logic to make sure I am understanding the other person, which sometimes degrades into a pseudo-comflict about me being cold (my friends say I'm full of black goo). With my brother, however, it can quickly turn personal. He has a hard time with social situations and I thrive on them. During holidays (always a powder keg, as someone mentioned) he sometimes becomes awkward and unknowingly inconsiderate. He is merely trying to interact and he can see how the other extroverts in the family tease one another so he joins in, but it is much more personal. I have had to pull him aside and talk to him about this and he has definitely gotten defensive, personal, and accusatory. I have to admit I quickly want to (verbally) punch back. and have. And harder. But when he used you punch it wasn't verbal. Did I mention he's a lot bigger than me? you probably see how this ends. As we grew both of us have tried to tamp this with a more level-headed approach, and we have surely had constructive conversations because of that. Its much easier when we are talking and recognizing where we can and will change and not just trying to choke each other. M. Kriebel
Staying neutral can only last for so long until the two parties you are bouncing between force you to choose. That is what happened in my experience. It is a great thought though.
michelle arboe
I remember a time not too long ago when I had a conflict with a friend of mine that got personal. One night my sister was having a party with some of her friends and one of my friends called me to ask why she wasn't invited. I told her sorry and that it wasn't my party, it was my sister's and I wasn't even going to be home. She became really angry started going off on me saying I always spend time with my boyfriend and never invite her anywhere or hang out with her, but it wasn't even my party to invite her to. At the time I was just kind of like whatever and let her get mad, but a couple hours later I resolved the issue by trying to help solve the problem and not just win the argument. It also helped that I did not reciprocate when the conflict became personal.
Kylie Smith
I agree with Lucinda when she says she would rather be on the outside looking in on a conflict, rather than actually being involved in it. When a conflict arises and you are directly involved i think it is harder to diognose the problem. When you are not directly involved you tend to think about the conflict with a more level head. Instead of just blowing up from the beginning, we need to just take a deep breath and think before we speak.
Some of my biggest conflict is with my sister, about silly things in the house or the way that she lives her life. When we get in a conflict one of us ender up leaving because if we keep arguing we are not going to solve anything, but later on we talk and sometimes I have to agree with her in order to prevent another conflict. The way in which this strategies can help are, focus on the issue and trying to solve it.
Miguel Lopez
Most of my conflict is usually with my gf. I had a habit of being late for a very long time. She went on to say that it was how I was raised and it wasn't my fault. To me that was a personal attack. It brought even more conflict into the picture because it started a whole new argument. Needless to say I worked on the bad habit and am rarely late to anything. At least it saves an argument. I think it could have been avoided if we had focus more on the lateness issue rather than bringing up the topic of how I was brought up. It helps to stick to the main subject.
Gary Chame Cox II
I hate when conflicts become personel. It is either I or the other person to make low blow. This is usally done by saying something that happen while our gaurd was down. This can be very damaging and can have really bad outcomes.
i think conflict can be used for good people need to speakout more for what they believe in, especailly for injustice
Deven Brown
I AGREE
when I was young I grow up in a area where conflict always happen, So rather it be my brother, friend or other I always took it personal. I usually handled that by fighting.
Marcus Robinson
As a adult I tend to look at the conflict and try to talk things out de-escalate the situation and try not to let thing get out of hand.
marcus Robinson
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not q battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not q battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not q battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not a battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not a battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not a battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
This is my favorite post. first guideline teaches us that we must focus on the issue at hand instead of focusing on personality or others' character defects. Secondly make the issue a problem to be solved an definitely not a battle to be won. Thirdly I need to do this more often and its to write down things especially letters when your upset so you can cope or you can give it to the other person to tell them how you feel. Lastly, when things get personal make not to reciprocate or dont try and male things even by also getting personal.
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